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A job well done, wouldn't you say?
Look at that, can't argue with £90,000, can ya?
But I do think Stacie is a little bit frustrated.
I did not fancy him.
Yeah, right.
He was a mark.
You did say he was cute.
"Very cute," as I recall.
Yeah, cute for a record collector.
Shouldn't knock record collectors, stacie.
They have very deep pockets.
I'm not knocking him.
I just didn't fancy him.
All right, don't go on about it, Stace.
I'm not.
I have a mind to get into record collecting.
Really?Yeah, you get? 000 a shot for some people's albums.
Charming young gentleman.
Have you met him, albert?
Oh, yes, yes, I got all their autographs.
Really? They must be worth a fortune, aren't they?
Yes, and every time I sell them they're worth even more.
So who's the bird then?
Emily shaw.
She and stacie grew up together.
What, the one with the charity?
Oh, right.
So what happened to her, do we know?
You said the Sunday World had printed an apology?
A paragraph on page nine.
Who's gonna read that?
Not after a front page banner saying she defrauded
the charity and stole from the children
she's been helping for years.
Will she recover?
I don't know, she's still unconscious.
If she doesn't, it'll be the Sunday World's fault.
I'm gonna get those bastards.
- Now, stacie, I know you're upset. - No, I mean it, mickey.
If I was a man, I would beat the crap out of them.
If I was a lawyer, I'd sue them.
But I'm neither.
I'm a grifter.
So I'll use that.
Okay, we'll find a way.
Tabloids are powerful, mickey.
They can destroy people.
I don't see why you should all take that risk.
No, no, no, stacie, come on.
We will all find a way.
Thanks, mickey.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
We have a new mark.
The Sunday World ran a sensational story accusing
emily shaw of embezzling funds from her own charity,
Educate africa.
Emily had withdrawn a substantial cash sum,
but it was to pay for the building of a new school.
Tribal leaders in the sudan don't take credit cards.
When this was pointed out to the world, they printed
a retraction, a paragraph on page nine.
The editor, francis owen.
It was owen and this man, timothy millen, who ran
the story on emily.
Yeah, I went to a couple of journo bars.
Well, word is that, uh, owen gives "scumbag"
a whole new meaning.
Millen's just a sniveling creep, but he is ambitious.
So millen's probably easier to target,
and we can use him to get to owen.
Yeah, well, research has been difficult.
The one thing these people don't seem to write about is themselves.
However, most of them have huge egos, so we use
the "who's who of journalists".
I didn't know there was one.
There isn't... yet.
What?
I don't care if you have to wait there all week.
You sit on that doorstep.
Listen, when no one's looking, try scraping
a key down the side of his flash convertible.
That should get a bloody reaction out of him.
Look, I'll make it simple.
You get me a quote or find a new job.
Tosser.
I see you got one of those questionnaires as well, boss.
They sent you one?
Must have been the piece I did about camilla's cellulite.
Well, what d'you want?
Got a bit of bad news, chief.
That emily shaw bird we did a story on
just jumped off a bridge.
Looks like attempted suicide.
You prat, miller, bad news? It's the best news I've had all week.
You lost me, chief, we only just run the apology...
Tthat's just it, you muppet.
If we run the attempted suicide, it implies that
we were telling the truth all along.
Yeah, but we weren't.
Who cares?
Innocent people don't commit suicide.
They do if they're depressed.
You've been watching too many episodes of "trisha", mate.
Get out of here and write it up.
Send her some flowers to sweeten her up.
Show her we care.
All right.
Hey, heavy on the suggestion,
the insinuation.
Got it.
What if, uh, what if she dies?
Then she can't answer back, can she?
"Reason for choosing journalism as a career...
"quest for the truth.
"To fight injustice. "
Oh, please.
"Have I got a favorite restaurant? "Wife's name... "
oh, here we are.
"Story you'd most like to break...
"edward declares he's gay,
"marriage to sophie is a sham. "
What about millen?
"Prince william in coke- fueled orgy with kate moss. "
Ah, what nice men.
A bit of an obsession with the royal family, don't you think?
I ain't nicking the crown jewels again.
What?
Francis owen lists favorite food as
"martin townsend's heart, grilled on toast. "
Who's martin townsend?
He's the, uh, editor of the sunday express.
They're locked in a circulation battle.
Hate each other's guts.
What we need to do is come up with the royal scoop
of the century.
What about ash and camilla?
Why me?
Oh, I ain't being funny, mate. She's more your age than mine.
I don't believe it, danny's getting choosy.
Ha, don't get me wrong, love.
I love the older bird.
Much more grateful, know the way around the sack.
But ash would be perfect with her.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
There was a story my mum told me.
One of those sort of royal urban legends, you know.
Now, I don't know if we could make it work,
but this legend has it that the queen mum, right,
god bless her, wasn't...
the queen mum.
Hello, yeah, regal resemblance?
Yeah.
How's your fee on queen mums?
What a load of bollocks.
Lovely, mate, got anything for me?
Yeah, here you go.
Nice and sealed.
You on the job?
Yeah, you?
Yeah, Sunday World.
Wow... love to be international.
Who you with, then?
Me, I've been at the redding courier, uh,
five or so years now, local news.
Mayor's new parking initiative, that sort of thing.
Hold the front page, eh?
Yeah, exactly.
I'm chris carey.
Tim millen.
Oh... sorry.
You're the tim millen?
What, you've heard of me?
Heard of you?
You're my bloody hero.
No, really, uh, "prince harry, uh, dressed as a hooker".
"Sophie wessex found pregnant. "
Um, "posh finds becks in the loos. "
You know your stuff.
It's time I moved up to the top table.
What do you reckon on this?
It's not a writ, is it?
No, no, no, research, fast food restaurants.
What do you reckon they do with all that fat they cook the food in?
Surprise me.
They dump it in london's victorian sewers.
All that grease getting clogged up in the sewers in great, disgusting numbers.
It's like a brilliant metaphor for the-for
the arteries of the city being clogged by-by all that fat.
How's about this for a metaphor?
Your story is about as much use as a one-legged
man at an ass-kicking competition.
Well, that's a simile.
You're leaving?
Places to be, matey.
Hey, tim, tim, tim.
There's, uh, there's something else
I'm-I'm working on.
Uh, it's, uh, it's sensational.
I haven't quite nailed all the facts yet but,
uh, I think it's worth listening to.
Okay, you got five seconds to interest me.
One, two...
elizabeth bowes-lyon. Eh?
Queen mum?
Yeah, I know who she is, you muppet.
What about her?
I was doing some research in a hospice.
Residents, you know, complaining of ill treatment.
- Not interested. - No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
One of the old dears grabbed me.
She'd been a maid at buckingham palace.
She had some incredible gossip
about the queen mum during the war.
Well, let's hear it.
Mr. Carey.
Oh, murphy, this is tim millen.
The tim millen from the Sunday World.
Hello, how do you do?
Mr. Millen.
I hope you haven't been discussing our investigation.
You're not a journalist as well, are you, murphy?
- No, I'm not. - I didn't think so.
You don't look like the bunch of slappers we got at the world.
Chris, I've made some real progress with the case.
Now, it's your call, but maybe we could go somewhere else and discuss it?
Let's, um, let's head over to eddie's bar.
She's right, better not say anything until I can,
stand all the facts up.
Still, great to meet you, tim, and, uh, big fan.
See you again, or read you again.
Huh, bye-bye.
What are those hotels called?
Yeah, travel cabins.
Give 'em a load of free papers
to hand out to guests.
We got to get our circulation figures up.
When I'm being shafted week in week out by
the express, I take it personally.
Where the hell have you been?
Chief, I've been, um, I've been researching
this feature on fast food restaurants
and their impact on the london sewage system.
The fat that's getting flushed down there is
actually congealing.
It's almost as if the arteries of london are
getting blocked up.
It's a very powerful simile.
I'm very excited about it.
That's it, that's what you've been working on?
"Crap in the sewers shocker"?
Tim, you are meant to be my top reporter.
I need a front page.
Get out there, get me a great bloody story.
Will do, sorry.
Hey, elfie...
I read your robby piece, it's cack, do it again.
What do you mean? Just do it again.
How do we look?
That'll do fine.
Now let's get you in the frame, yeah?
Okay, rolling.
Here she comes.
Here she comes, she comes... she's there.
She in front of you, there.
Curtsey, lovely.
Right, and she's moving back...
yeah, hello, mate, yeah.
Listen, uh, can you transfer dvd to, uh, 16 mil?
Set it on my tab.
Dan, I just remembered your tab.
You owe me 50 quid.
Oh, danny owes you 50, yeah?
I'm in character, chris carey, journalist.
Said you wouldn't forget, remember? I haven't.
Good. I think.
Yes, mate, what can I get you?
Uh, vodka and coke, please.
Who's the bird?
Over there in the corner.
I'm sure I know her from somewhere.
That's diane murphy.
She's a private investigator, I think.
That's her.
Maybe that bloke with her is her client and his
missus is playing away from home.
Maybe... I think I'll go and say hello, ta.
Good afternoon.
Tim, what are you doing here?
Don't tell me, it's a happy coincidence.
The thing is, you got me going, mate.
If you think you've got somethg on the royals,
I might be able to help you.
What have you told him, chris?
Nothing, really.
Oh, there she is, queen mum.
God bless her.
If you don't mind.
So what's your angle?
It's got to be good if it's about the queen mum.
'Cause here's a little tip for ya,
on the big papers, we tend to write about the royals who are still alive.
She's, uh, she's a special case.
Harold felgate...
this is a special case.
Seriously, mate, if you decide to flog your story
to one of your provincial rags, no one is gonna take one bit of notice.
You'll still be a nobody, chris.
If you want to make a splash with a royal story,
you got to break it with a national.
I think we're gonna be fine on our own, chris.
Look, no offense, but you two are amateur hour.
I know more about the royal family than you
two ever will... you need me.
Really, know it all, do you, tim?
A lot more than you do, matey, that's for sure.
Well, let me ask you this.
Where's the queen mother buried?
Well, that's a toughie.
St. George's chapel, windsor castle.
Really, you reckon?
Because her son says something very different.
Her son?
She never had a son.
Please, chris, I think we need to leave now.
Yeah... I'll see you, tim.
Hi, it's me.
Get a cab to the homage hotel, pronto.
Sunday World, mate.
Was millen outside?
Yeah, he was.
I need a couple of hours, emily's conscious.
That's good news.
We'll just sit tight here.
I'm sure it won't be long before millen bites.
Slip out the back.
Hello.
Hi, stacie.
How are you feeling?
We've been so worried about you.
I was an idiot to let it get to me.
I wasn't thinking straight.
But you're all right now?
Well, that's the main thing.
Wow, it's like a florist's in here.
Who bought you those carnations?
If you believe it, that monstrosity is from
the world.
You're joking?
There's a get well card too.
"Perhaps you'd like the opportunity to tell your side of the story. "
They want an interview.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
How can people do things like that?
They're unbelievable.
To make things up with no foundation.
Well, maybe those bastards will get
what's coming to them.
Nothing.
Where's your story, millen?
Chief, there's something cooking.
Got a big lead.
Queen mother, possible love child angle.
You what?
Could be a biggie.
Does the name harold felgate mean anything to you?
Well, I'm piecing it all together now, so
I'll bring you something as soon as it's all in place.
This better lead to something, millen.
I want a story on my desk today or you might find
yourself writing obits.
Tony, how's life below stairs, mate?
You got anything for me?
Nothing at the moment, tim.
The shutters have come down big time, since you ran that
story about charles flogging off the silver.
Yeah, that was a cracker, wasn't it?
Listen, queen mother, war years.
Any rumors I shouldn't know about?
Secret trysts?
It could be nothing, but I keep hearing the name
harold felgate.
Felgate?
No, I haven't heard that name around here.
Listen, tim, I've got to go.
Chris.
Tim. You all right?
Yeah, so, uh, what are you doing here?
How would you like a job on the Sunday World?
And, uh, I'll get my own desk?
Right next to mine.
What about money?
I make? 0 k at the courier.
We'll double it.
- Are you serious? - You let me help you with this story,
and everything will be negotiated in good faith down the line.
What d'you say?
Who's that?
That's the young queen mum.
No, that's a lady called
cynthia felgate.
You're winding me up.
No, no, no, no, I told you before, the old dear in the hospice.
She told me the queen mum died of t. b. In '41.
If it got out, it would've been disastrous
for british morale.
I mean, hitler... hitler described her as the most
dangerous woman in europe.
She's the spitting image.
Exactly, that's the point.
A commoner was found in the east end who looked
exactly like the queen mum.
This woman, cynthia felgate, was put in her place.
That's the story, I followed it up.
Journalist's instinct, yeah?
I deal in facts, not instinct.
Yeah, me-me too.
That's why out of my own pocket I hired diane murphy
to do a bit of digging around,
to check the old girl's story out.
And?
She found cynthia felgate's son.
The geezer you got in the room upstairs.
How do you know that?
I got my sources.
So what's the plan?
He's the only living relative.
He's the key to blowing this whole thing wide open.
I want to meet him, I want to meet the son.
That's the deal, take it or leave it.
I thought you were an independent.
No, no, I'm at the Sunday World now.
Tim and I are covering the story together.
- That's not a problem, is it? - Well, it might be.
My client still has the right to take the story to the highest bidder.
And who are you?
Bob salgreen, managing director of salgreen
management in new york city.
You a lawyer?
No, I'm mr. Felgate's publicist.
And as such, I decide who he talks to.
And since we haven't been paid a dime to cover our expenses,
I may well advise my client to say nothing.
Oh, hang on, bob.
Your client'd still be joe schmo from poughkeepsie
- if I had not dug this story... - Let's just all chill out, shall we?
I'm on board now, mr. Felgate, and I can
tell you that my editor, francis owen,
will make you a very attractive offer.
Of that, you have my word, okay?
You're twisting my nuts.
Is that good?
I don't think so.
You're telling me the queen mother is actually
an imposter called cynthia felgate?
Exactly, chief, this man is her son... harry?
Mr. Carey's call couldn't have come at a better time
for me... you see, I've-I've been living,
uh, I am living in very reduced circumstances.
Gambling debt, so on.
And after the call I went right to mr. Salgreen here.
I advanced my client some funds, paid some bills,
things like that.
Oh, and we got some things out of storage,
which is where we found... this.
What's that?
My client received this anonymously through
the mail about a few years ago.
As you see, chief, it's actually postmarked
february, 2002, a month before the queen mum died.
So, cynthia decided on her deathbed to reach out
to her long lost son?
What you got in there?
Proof.
We have...
cynthia felgate's, uh, birth certificate.
Uh, pictures of, uh, her and harold here
and herself, oh, and this.
Look, as you can see, the resemblance is,
uh, uncanny.
Cynthia was actually a few years younger than
the queen, and-and that's why they say the queen mum
lived so long, apparently.
I was told that my mother was killed in a london
bombing and that I was, uh, evacuated to the u. s.
As an orphan.
Do you mind if I hold onto these?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
And this?
This is an old piece of film, but I don't have
any machine to run it on.
Oh, I'm sure we can sort that out for you.
Look, this is an interesting yarn,
but none of this amounts to proof.
Well, if you don't want it I'm sure another paper will.
Don't play hardball with me.
Even the sport wouldn't run with this, and they think
that elvis is living on the moon.
If you want me to go to print with this,
I'm gonna need something concrete.
Okay, let's say-let's say we get you that.
What would a story like this be worth?
If I got all the rights?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe...
quarter of a million?
Is that, uh, is that dollars
or-or-or sterling?
Sterling.
You've got the birth certificate, chief.
She was born, she existed.
Must be a paper trail of documents somewhere.
Public records, library cards, all that crap.
Oh, we can piece her life together, chief.
This has got to worth a punt.
You got till saturday.
If it checks out, you've got the front page.
Yes!
Before we go any further, is anyone else worried?
Problem, danny?
Yeah, this is a risky con, mick.
It's a newspaper.
If this blows up, all of us, faces in the tabloids.
Knackered.
Do you all want to pull out?
No, no, no, we agreed, we can do this.
Can't we, danny?
It's millen.
Chris carey.
Hi, tim.
Yeah, lovely, yeah, I'll get there, yeah.
Bye-bye.
He wants to meet at eddie's in an hour.
He's obviously buying it.
Maybe, but owen isn't.
We've still got a long way to go.
All right, let's do it.
Okay, ash, you set up?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Good, then I will meet you two at eddie's bar
in an hour.
Got the time, mate?
Michael stone.
I work for her majesty's government.
We've been monitoring francis owen for some time.
The libelous stories his paper continues to print
about the royal family have become
a matter of concern.
So, why am I here?
Normally we wouldn't bother ourselves with
your petty criminal activities.
But we are concerned about the lies you're
constructing about the late queen mother.
You're telling me that the queen mother was actually
an imposter called cynthia felgate?
This man is her son.
Be under no illusions.
Your lives won't be worth living if you proceed.
Understand?
Yes?
You seen any of these?
Yeah, next door is riddled with them. Can you clear out for a couple of hours?
- You got a mobile I can get you on? - Uh, yeah.
I'll bill when we're through, all right?
You better come in a minute...
is this the harold felgate thing?
Yes, chief, I put the clip on the hard drive.
I'll start trying to clean it up.
But it's not just a case of photoshopping something.
The images are quite badly downgraded.
Get what you can off of it.
Where's salgreen?
To be honest, I- I don't know.
We should start without him.
Okay, let's, uh, I'll put that there.
So, questions.
House where your mum lived...
do you remember where it was?
I'm trying to think.
It was in the east end, yeah.
East end?
And the number was something... 20 some...
I- I think, you know, I lived in so many houses
in so many years, it's just...
Sorry, hi.
Hi, where were you... we were worried.
Uh, so many streets, it's very confusing.
- I got lost. - Investing in you, mate.
We ain't got time for you to take the scenic route.
Oh, okay.
So let's just focus on this place.
The east end.
Anything else you remember?
No.
Yes!
There was a row of terraced houses.
Terraced.
Terraced houses?
Well, that narrows it down to about 4,000 streets.
Oh, diane, thanks for coming.
Mr. Millen.
New arrangement in place, darling.
I'm on the team.
So now that there's a pro running things,
you can take a backseat.
Hang on a minute, millen.
You're firing me, I haven't even been paid yet.
You're not fired. A little bit out of order, that, tim.
No, it's not quite like that.
I just thought we'd get a better deal at the world.
Calm down, love, what, is it time of the month?
Excuse me?
Oh, blimey, she's getting upset.
That's no good.
The last bird I upset ended up throwing herself
in the thames.
I'm not joking.
I don't like men like you, millen.
You're scum and you ruin people's lives.
You write whatever you want without any thought
for the people you hurt.
We sell two million copies week in, week out.
If there wasn't a market for it, I wouldn't have a job.
And I respect that.
I just hope you can respect my work in return.
Well, of course.
How would anyone ever get divorced without
people like you sniffin' around hotel rooms for 'em?
I've got that address that you wanted, by the way.
What address?
The felgate house.
Cynthia's name is on the deed of a house in the east end.
Number 23 paradise street, e-2...
Yeah, that's it.
I'm impressed.
This is as good as it's gonna get, boss.
That's the queen mum in the east end.
Hold it there, that's felgate, all right.
There's the birthmark.
Can you move in any closer?
Can you get me some stills of this?
No problem.
Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
There weren't any cars here, of course.
We used to play football for hours here in the road.
Anybody in?
Hello.
You're wasting your time.
The yuppies are on holiday again.
Bloody property developers.
No locals left before long.
Good afternoon.
Can I just ask you, have you lived here long?
All me life, sir.
Can we ask you some questions?
If you're from the council,
the dog's gone back to the kennel.
We're not from the council, mate. We're from the Sunday World.
Ah, I know, you're from the revenue, aren't you, eh?
No, he just told you, we're from the Sunday World.
I read the mirror.
Can you read this?
I'll put a kettle on.
I was only eight, yeah, but I remember the felgates,
harry and cynthia.
Oh, she was lovely, she was, yeah.
We used to call her queenie
on account of her resemblance to, uh...
how well did you know them?
Well, I used to play with harry, yeah.
And then one day they was, uh, they was just gone.
What happened to cynthia?
Oh, I-I don't know, sir.
We were told she died in the blitz.
Yeah, maybe, maybe, you know.
There was-there was many killed, you know,
night after night there.
Your name is shawn, isn't it?
How do you know?
Would you believe it, harry felgate, yeah.
You're all grown up and american, yeah.
You haven't still got that pack of marbles I lent you, have you?
No, I traded them for a skyscraper in new york.
How about you, huh?
I said, how about you?
Hold on.
Christ almighty.
You say her name was edna?
Edna, yeah, yeah, number 19.
19, then she was on the same side of the street.
Yeah, that's right.
Chief.
Millen, what's going on?
Well, it's like a bloody family reunion here.
Seems our harry was a big hit with the neighbors.
He's checking out here as well.
Get everyone over, now.
Will do.
Same broach, all right.
That's absolutely incredible.
This is gonna be the scoop of the century.
It's not quite enough.
You've got to be kidding me, chief.
My mother's broach for certain.
They could've just had the same taste in broaches.
It doesn't prove she was a stand-in
for the queen mum, does it?
That whole side of the story
is still circumstantial.
Does that bother people like you?
It's a question of degree, my love.
Saying that posh spice had a boob job
isn't quite the same as saying that dear old
queen mum was an impostor called cynthia felgate.
No, there's only one thing
that's gonna clinch this, I'm afraid.
What's that?
Ow.
You mean dna?
Yes.
Chief, how are we gonna get the queen mother's dna?
I know they've got her dressing table
as part of the royal collection, chief.
I'll do it.
I'll go in.
No need.
I've got good connections at the palace, chief.
I think I can swing it.
I mean, if the mirror can get a man in there
for three weeks, I'm sure I can manage an afternoon.
Well, get the dna back to the lab
by 8:00 saturday night.
If it matches, we've got a story.
If it doesn't, I'll have a lovely photo of you two
on my front page instead.
The men who tried to frame francis owen.
I like it.
Yeah.
That broach was supposed to be the clincher.
There's no way that my dna is going to match the queemother's.
Well, there is a simple way around this.
Yeah, well, we ain't gonna dig up the queen mum, are we?
No, of course not... sorry, albie...
ah, that hurt.
We'll have to plant albert's dna first.
You are joking, millen's got an inside man.
- We're never gonna get in there. - No, stacie's right.
We can do this, danny, we have to.
Where'd you get all this stuff, ash?
Probably best you don't ask.
Now, time's everything.
Albert will be in contact with danny and I'll pass it down the line to you.
Got it, what about the surveillance cameras?
It was tricky with the short notice,
but I hacked into the cctv but I can't shut them down.
All I can do is track where you are and see if stacie's
got enough time to plant albert's hair.
Apart from that, you're on your own, all right?
You're late, you idiot, put this on.
Have you ever tried running without looking suspicious?
All the queen mum's stuff is on display
in the queen anne room... it's marked on that map.
Right.
What are we actually looking for?
There's a cabinet containing all her personal stuff.
Her hairbrush will be covered in dna.
Hairbrush in the queen anne room.
These passes will get you inside and out.
The keys will open the display cases.
If anything goes wrong, I don't know ya, I've never
met ya, and you didn't get this stuff from me.
All right, relax, mate, you'll give yourself an ulcer.
There you go, 3 000, easy money.
You get all this, albert?
Yes, now see if you can hold them up until stacie
and michael get to the queen anne room.
Aren't you ready yet?
Just got a bit of a wedgie.
Just come on, will ya? Take that... listen, the only reason you're here
is if I go down, you go down with me.
I just wanted to say before we, you know,
- thank you for letting me in. - Yeah, all right.
And I just also want to say that I'm really...
shut up. Stop arsing around and let's get on with it.
Hello, mate.
Cheers.
Two tickets please.
You going away this year?
- Where are you going? - Portugal.
Oh, very nice.
God, it's massive!
So is this the, uh, servant's quarters then?
Keep it down, chris.
We work here, remember?
Yeah, that's right.
Regency corridors, first floor.
Regency corridor, first floor.
They're heading to the regency corridor on the first floor.
Ash, we're in, hook up.
Yeah, I can see you.
You need to head to the queen anne room.
Millen's in the servant's quarters making his way
up through the regency corridor.
As soon as we pick him up we'll get...
what the hell is going on?
Oh, what a pile of crap...
we're just entering the regency corridor.
So this is the regency corridor.
Is it, I don't know.
How long before millen gets here?
Yes.
Mickey, he's right on top of ya.
I could use a little help here.
Danny, michael needs a diversion.
Uh, millen, is it me or does...
madge look like one of her corgis
did a little bit of a whoopsie under her nose?
- What are you talking about? - Just a little...
just stop pissing about... We've got to figure out where the hell we are.
Not like-like she does in the..
stamps, when you see it.
What?
It's right, it's right.
It's through, really?
Yeah, there it is.
Are you sure this is the right way?
Definitely.
Okay, ash, we're here.
You're looking for the queen mum's hairbrush
in the main cabinet.
The cabinet's in the middle of the room.
There are three cameras in total, one on the door,
two on the balcony, each doing a 180 degree rotation.
There's only a three- second window when
the cabinet isn't covered by one of the cameras.
She'll never do it, mick.
Danny can't hold millen forever.
Stacie will never beat the cameras.
The three second clearance just isn't enough.
I think you should get out now.
No, no, wait.
I may have a blind spot.
Blind spot?
I can't see it, mate.
Trust me.
In 30 seconds, on my cue.
I don't see this blind spot, mick.
She's in full view.
Excuse me.
Uh, but could you tell where the, uh,
prince phillip collection is please?
What in the hell is going on?
Ash, what's happening?
I don't know, it's just gone, isn't it?
Come on.
If you carry on down this corridor...
mm-hmm.
Come on.
It's the second door on the left.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
I'm sorry, I-I got completely confused.
Jesus, where the hell are we?
I'm sure I saw some display cases over there.
We're back here again, tosser, it's this way.
Danny can't stall millen anymore.
Work, you bastard!
Yes...
I don't see 'em.
Where are they?
Mickey... stace.
Well, I hope they planted it because millen's here.
There's a guard.
What do you distract him with,
a fake heart attack or something?
All you need is balls, chris.
Just watch and learn, son.
All right, we got called in to fix a wonky latch, it shouldn't take a minute.
It all looks fine to me.
I don't know what the problem was.
Jesus.
What happened, did you do it?
I told you we'd find a blind spot.
Well done, you two.
But did millen take the hair, albie?
Yeah. He's been bragging about it for the last five minutes, listen.
There's only about 3 journalists in the country
would have the balls to do that, chris.
You just wait until that gets around the city...
I'll never have to buy another drink again!
Then, let's go see owen and pick up our check.
Right.
Millen's gone down to the lab
with the dna sample.
I'm expecting a call from him any minute.
Great.
So, can we talk about our? 50,000?
Why don't we wait to hear what the lab has to say?
Owen here.
It's an exact match, chief.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Yep, only ever see it with maternal dna.
Thank you very much.
We have a deal.
Yes!
I knew it, I knew this story was a killer.
I guess it's that time.
Yes, it certainly is.
? 50,000, as agreed.
Have you seen "who wants to be a millionaire?"
What, the-the game show?
Where he writes the check and then he goes,
"but I don't want to give you that. "
- Sure. - I love that bit.
Hey, now, what are you doing?
Get out of my office.
What?
Put yourself in my place.
A quarter of a million is a lot of money.
But this is my story.
I'm not going to give you an interview,
or the photos, or the film.
I don't need it, I've got a dna match.
I can just say I uncovered the whole scandal by using
my diligent research and my incredible nose
for a story, which is why I am a fleet street editor
and you are just a couple of punks on the make.
I want my hair back.
We'll take this story somewhere else.
Too late, mate, the presses are running.
I'm gonna sue you. I'll sue you for every penny you've got.
Be my guest!
Are you familiar with the british legal system?
My lawyers will tie you up for the rest of your life.
Get out of here, I've got a paper to run.
Harry.
Chief, have I still got my job?
Piss off.
Porque me van a dar un...
So he stiffed us.
I'm afraid so.
Given owen's reputation,
I thought that might be the case.
So, I came up with plan b.
I'd like to see the editor, martin townsend.
Do you have an appointment?
I called this morning.
So what can I do for you?
How much would you pay me to take down the editor
of the Sunday World?
? 00,000, as agreed.
You and your bleeding plan b's, mickey.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
It appears that we weren't the only people interested in the Sunday World.
Normally we wouldn't bother ourselves
with your petty criminal activities.
But we are concerned about the lies
you're constructing about the late queen mother.
Be under no illusions.
Your lives won't be worth living if you proceed.
Um, what if my intention
was to bring down the editor of the Sunday World?
My employers might have some sympathy with that cause.
So we can proceed?
On the condition that you tell no one whatsoever
about this meeting.
Perhaps you may be willing to help?
What blind spot, I can't see it.
Trust me.
We're here, stacie's in position.
Okay, we're on it.
Now!
What?
What the hell is going on?
Can you tell me where...
come on.
I'm in, it's back on.
Mickey, I'll tell you what, son, you completely
excelled yourself on this one.
I really thought we had completely wasted our time,
but check it out.
? 00,000 smackaroonies.
Sorry.
Hey.
Ah, I knew we should've mentioned it.
What?
I thought it would be a nice gesture for us
to donate this to emily's charity.
Hold up, hold up, hold up!
I thought we were ruthless con artists.
When did we turn into robin hood and his merry bleedin' men?
Just this once.
Yeah, well, I think maid marian here's taking the piss.
Listen, she is a really good friend who's been through a really tough time.
Yeah, well, so have I.
It's on the wire services... owen's resigned.
Millen?
Sacked... had to clear his desk and marched out of his office by security.
Hey!
Poor thing. Still, millen has got that story you gave him
about the fat in the sewer, doesn't he, danny?
Did I say fat?
Slip of the tongue.
I meant to say raw sewage.
All that work for no return.
Come on, danny, we're hardly out of pocket.
What about the score from the record collector?
Yeah, well, what's wrong with having two scores?
Danny, my dear boy, those feelings you have inside.
They're virtue and generosity and content.
Really?
How long before they wear off?
This is brilliant.
And this is just a little donation from friends.
Thank you so much.
You know, mick, at first I was a bit surprised
those ml-5 boys were so keen to bring down owen.
Yeah.
Mmm... but then I thought,
what if our story was true?
Oh, come on, ash.
Come on, now, let's go.
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